I am delighted to welcome you into the UB coaching family. When I arrived, your predecessor gave me ten tips and as usual, he went 2-8. But those two were spectacular:
6) Study real hard to beat Ohio, like once...trust me, one Ohio win is worth like seven MAC wins
He was right. Look at the goodwill I earned from this local idiot after beating Ohio once:
9) Speaking of extensions, it's never too soon to ask for an extension, get back to that renegotiation table.
Now I was skeptical about this one, but Quinn was right about Ohio, so I asked. I am now extended until 2019.
Keep those two rules, and I'll add three more. Only five tips you ask? Yes, only five tips, I'm Bobby (expletive) Hurley, and you, you're from a dairy farm with a football program. You think I have all day to give out free advice?
3) Technical Fouls. Really fires up the troops but kinda hard to do in the football game. When the other team goes on a scoring run, I suggest telling your "get-back" coach to stand down and shake things up with a sideline violation. You coached with Pelini, do what he does, just more Duke-like.
4) Conference Championships = OVERRATED. Did you know the MAC Championship game is in Detroit? No thanks. Our game is in Cleveland, and when we drove down the 90 I saw the city and thought: "This might be ok." When we exited the highway and got to street level, I was like "nope." So we lost in the first round and got the hell out of Dodge. I hear you are 29-1 in postseason play. That's almost three extra years of unpaid coaching. You're hustling backwards.
5) Finally, relax, make sure you have fun, and if it all gets to be too much, give yourself time to unwind. Remember it's just a game.
Best of luck as you take over in the coming months,
Bobby (expletive) Hurley
heaD coach bUffalo basKEtball
*THE PRECEDING WAS SATIRE. DONT SUE ME.