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NCAA AQ Theater - Big Ten Expansion Rumor Rules

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Hello this is a public service announcement from the Big Ten

In recent weeks the landscape of college football has been shaken up by rumors that the Big ten is going to augment its numbers by adding one or more programs. While we did not intend to create such a fuss we are genuinely touched that so many schools are excited. This buzz has created an atmosphere of rumor mongering and we at the big ten do not feel that is productive.

So we at the Big ten have set up a few simple guidelines to help Big Ten and other College fans sort out things which might have some basis in truth from the more absurd rumors

Number one, Notre Dame. The Big Ten is not pursuing Notre Dame. While its true that should south bend call and demand the first born children of our athletic directors we would have Joe Paterno personally deliver them this will have to be a conversation initiated by Notre Dame. A rider on this guideline states that if any school that rhymes with "Motor Game" Asked to join the conference they will get the afore mentioned first born Children within three business days

Number two, Mid Majors. We will not be including a mid major, we're already stuck with Indiana haven’t we suffered enough? So any time you see a rumor about ECU, Memphis, or Temple, just ignore them. There are only two Mid Majors worth having and Neither Boise or TCU will return our calls.

Number Three, The Big 12. The Big Twelve conference has just the right mix of teams with storied histories and future potential to be a fertile source for Big Ten Candidates. So, just to shake things up, we have arranged for a new Rumor every week. This way we can avoid looking desperate and at the same time gauge the fan reaction on both sides.

This third strategy has already had great results with Texas fans laughing hysterically at us and with Nebraska fans seeming slightly open to the possibility. Just to give fans a heads up here is order of the rumors from here on out. Missouri, Kansas, and the winner of a cage fight between Oklahoma and Oklahoma State.

Number Four, The Big East. Despite the fact that Pitt fits well academically and athletically with our conference we are already getting all the Big ten network money we can out of Pennsylvania and well we all know what this is really about.

Number Five, The SEC. We inquired with a few teams, informally, but they could not stop laughing.

Number Six, the ACC. While there are some interesting prospects in the ACC the conference is still full of teams that took part in an ugly divorce, we really don't want to be a rebound conference. Still if you see Virginia floated it might be that we are just looking to tease someone.

Number Seven, Any team in a state in which we already have a footprint. Like I hinted at in Number 4, We are really not looking to grow the conference so much as we are looking to grow the Big Ten Network.

Finally, Number Eight, Any rumor which includes a new name is completely false. We have survived with the conference name Big 10 despite having eleven members for years. So if we go to twelve, fourteen or sixteen members we will still be the big ten. We are, however, open to clever logos which include the new number of members hidden in a fashion that might require Professor Robert Langdon to decipher.

Thank you for your time.