NCAA Football is Dead, Time for the Real Victims to Cash In.

Christian Petersen

Before there was NCAA [Year] there was Bill Walsh Football


Can't get the naming rights for the school? Just use the city name. Player likeness? No, every player looks the same. The game is from an olden time, which automatically makes it more correct than anything that came after it. It was built with the spirit of college video games in mind: Taping devoted fans of more of their hard earned dollars, and funneling that money around the hard working athletes and into the hands of the athletic department, the NCAA, a video game company that long since stopped trying to make the game enjoyable and a coach who is already well compensated to do what he does.

It's time college football video games got back to it's roots, but who is the coach to lead the charge?

1) Nick Saban Football '15: The Process

Sabanmad_medium
via assets.sbnation.com

Game Type: Intense run-based RPG.

Special Feature: Over-sign mode, sign every prospect to unlock special game ending animation.

2) Jeff Quinn Football '15

Quinnnotes_medium

via assets.sbnation.com

Game Type: High-octane spread offensive playbooks, no personnel to run the system.

Special Feature: Next Bull In mode, remote bonds to your wrists, you will play till your thumbs get the original NES blister because that is Jeff Quinn video game football! Once said thumbs blister, you will be cut, the game physically cuts the system cord, you'll never play again son.

3) Will Muschamp Football '15

Utvsfau086-1_medium

via cdn1.sbnation.com

Game Type: Throwback, stacked defenses and running backs diving into the line. Pick 6's count for 10, passing TDs count for -3...you'll play Muschamp football or you will lose.

Special Feature: No remote control, game controlled via headset fused to head. We won't spoil what you have to do to unlock "Full Blood" mode, but the headset does cut you till you bleed.

4) Al Golden Football '15: All About the C

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Game Type: Think NFL Blitz, relive the glory U years, (of course we can't call it the U due to licensing issues) as Al Golden, coach of Miami College brings all the face stomping, pelvic thrusting and trash talking back to the college game.

Special Feature: The game includes budget restraints, in-state competition, morals and illegal investigations from the pesky National University Athletic Association, thus making it too hard to compete complete. However enter the Konami Code for unlimited booster money, moral bankruptcy, unlimited administrative turn the other way, and mountains of cocaine.

5) Mike Gundy Manball '15

Game Type: Honestly the game your parent's buy you when you really wanted Les Miles Football '15.

Special Feature: Man mode: Prove you're a man by entering in appropriate Month/Date/Year of birth. Then smash a car at a press conference.


6) Bo Pelini F***ball '15

130763926

via cdn2.sbnation.com

Game Type: A poop in a box, each poop is personally created by Pelini bringing you closer to the game than you've ever been bewfore. Oh, you wanted a playable game? Easy for you to say that the game you pay for should be playable. F*** Y** Gamers, F*** 'Em All.

Special Feature: You think you deserve special features? You f***ing fairweather gamers

7) Brian Kelly Football '15

Game Type: Brian Kelly, Manti Teo and a Leprechaun you can ride journey to save Manti's princess from the evil Bowser.

Special Feature: Includes 0% Notre Dame Football instantly making it the best NCAA game of the century.

8) Todd Graham Football '15

Game Type: Using technology from L.A. Noir, use facial recognition to find the best time to lie to AD's student athletes and fans about dream jobs. Search for clues to find the next school that will need a head coach. Use facial recognition to negotiate out of your buyout.

Special Feature: Customizable cover, put Todd Graham in any of the 125 college football coaching polos.


9) Lane Kiffin Presidential Space Futbol '15

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via cdn1.sbnation.com

Game Type: Playbook is written in Portuguese, and you thought coaching was easy? Motivate your team by alienating the local media and setting the depth chart via twister spinner. (Right Hand Kessler, Left Foot Redd). Fix immediate depth problems at OL and RB by recruiting 12 year olds. Pick fights with mega coaches before games, giving them the motivation to beat you. Halfway through the game, an impending alien attack can be stopped by defeating both Stanford and Oregon in the same season. You will not, you will get fired, yet somehow fall up yet again, becoming President of the United States charged to defend against the alien attack you could have stopped by not being bad at coaching. The aliens run a spread attack and easily defeat Kiffin. The game ends after the Kiffin impeachment, as he yet again falls upward becoming commanding general of the alien army. I smell a sequel.

Special Feature: "Stay Tuned" style remote included, put your parents into the game, so you can fire them. It's for the best, they are better without you dragging them down. Look at you, your playing Lane Kiffin Football '15, the only reason Trojans still play Lane Kiffin Football is because you can't get out of NCAA indentured servitude.

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