FanPost

Remain Calm... All is WELL!

Gentlemen,

After hours of careful research I can confidently allay your concerns regarding our beloved Bulls. The difficult first three weeks were merely an inexplicable aberration, and the boys in blue will enjoy smooth sailing through to a 10-2 regular season, MAC Championship and a bowl victory. Let's look more closely at this year's schedule:

Game One: Ohio State

We all know how this one went... the Fighting Quinns went into the Horseshoe and suffered severe anaphylactic shock due to previously undiagnosed nut allergies.

HOWEVER. This score is in fact inexplicable and not at all indicative of the comparative skill level of the two teams. Check out this data from the 2012 season:

Buffalo beat W Michigan 29 - 24

W Michigan beat Connecticut 30 - 24

Connecticut beat Louisville 23 - 20

Louisville beat Florida 33 - 23

Florida beat Texas A&M 20 - 17

Texas A&M beat Alabama 29 - 24

Alabama beat Michigan 41 - 14 while Ohio St only beat Michigan 26 - 21

THE TRUTH IS REVEALED. Ohio State's 40-20 win was clearly the luckiest victory since the Big East was able to evict Temple.

Game Two: Baylor

A 57 point differential. Slightly more than the 48 point difference that past results would suggest, but Tepper's Turnstiles are always good for... wait... this is highly irregular. In this game I see that the Bulls in fact lost by 57 points to the awkwardly-named BU. It seems from this data - once again from the 2012 season - that this group of oddly religious bears would have trouble replicating their results in THIS experiment:

Buffalo beat W Michigan 29 - 24

W Michigan beat C Michigan 42 - 31

C Michigan beat Iowa 32 - 31

Iowa beat Michigan St 19 - 16

Michigan St beat TCU 17 - 16

TCU beat Baylor 49 - 21

Baylor 70, Buffalo 13. Defies scientific explanation.

Game Three: Stony Brook

A not-at-all anticipated matchup between Red Headed Stepchildren of BCS teams and the Red Headed Stepchildren of Danny White's athletic department ended exactly as we would expect. Though, in matters of honesty and not charity, nobody wins when you pit Red Headed Stepchildren against each other

Buffalo 26, The Island of Misfit Recruits 23

Game 4: UConn

Now we enter the realm of prognostication. Fortunately prognostication is easy when you have Right on your side. In this contest the State University of New York at The Western End of The State in a City That Is Not Its Namesake But Is Pretty Close Geographically, All Things Considered takes on the University of Sometimes We Sue a Priest Because We Are Sad That The World Is Passing Us By. With 2013 stats:

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while Wofford lost to Baylor 69 - 3

Wofford only lost to Gardner Webb 3 - 0 while Furman lost to Gardner Webb 28 - 21

Furman only lost to Coastal Car 35 - 28 while E Kentucky lost to Coastal Car 51 - 32

E Kentucky only lost to Louisville 44 - 7 while Ohio lost to Louisville 49 - 7

Ohio beat North Texas 27 - 21

North Texas beat Ball St 34 - 27

Ball St beat E Michigan 51 - 20 while Rutgers only beat E Michigan 28 - 10

Rutgers beat Arkansas 28 - 24

Arkansas beat ULL 34 - 14

ULL beat Akron 35 - 30 while Michigan only beat Akron 28 - 24

Michigan beat Connecticut 24 – 21

INCONTROVERTIBLE. A WIN FOR SUNY TWETSCTININBIPCGATC

Too bad the new helmets couldn't help the fighting Pasquas:

New-uconn-helmet_medium

Hiring a guy who was terrible at Syracuse might be even worse than graduating less than 20% of your MBB players.

Game 5: EMU

The history books will tell you that Hohfer's Heroes have never beaten the Eagles. These books will also show that the Buffalo team has never beaten the Hurons, either, but the details of that strange name have been lost to history. It was a grander time, when men were men and giants - HURON GIANTS - roamed the Earth. Fortunately, our boys will overcome the curse of Randall Secky (nothing happened to Secky, it's still just residual effects of him being on the team) this year, living up to their status as heavy favorites:

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while ULM lost to Baylor 70 - 7

ULM beat Wake Forest 21 - 19

Wake Forest beat Army 25 - 11

Army only lost to Ball St 40 - 14 while E Michigan lost to Ball St 51 – 20

Take that, Randall.

Game 6: WMU

It should be apparent by now that this team is unstoppable. I have my doubts that WMU will even show up, but it wasn't me who made the decision to row into the fast-moving Niagara River, so...

Just in case though, the inarguable truth:

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while Wofford lost to Baylor 69 - 3

Wofford beat Ga Southern 30 - 20

Ga Southern beat Savannah St 77 - 9 while Troy only beat Savannah St 66 - 3

Troy beat UAB 34 - 31

UAB beat Northwestern LA 52 - 28

Northwestern LA beat Missouri St 23 - 17

Missouri St only lost to Iowa 28 - 14 while W Michigan lost to Iowa 59 – 3

Row Tide. War Bull. Hail to the Victor.

Game 7: UMass

lolololol

Let me save you some time and tell you this one goes through Austin Peay. Austin Peay!

Why is the 'y' there in the first place?!

Game 8: Kent State

An important thing to recognize about Kent State: Even their most successful alumni have to change jobs entirely to continue in their field. Josh Cribbs and Julian Edelman were fine quarterbacks but took all they learned from the fine coaches at Kent State and took it to the slot receiver position and the glory of special teams play. I actually think Eugene Jarvis fell in a black hole stepping off a Greyhound bus in Ashtabula. True story. Fortunately the only black holes this day will be the unfortunate patterns on the SUNY-Baird Point uniforms.

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while Wofford lost to Baylor 69 - 3

Wofford only lost to Gardner Webb 3 - 0 while Furman lost to Gardner Webb 28 - 21

Furman only lost to Coastal Car 35 - 28 while E Kentucky lost to Coastal Car 51 - 32

E Kentucky only lost to Louisville 44 - 7 while Ohio lost to Louisville 49 - 7

Ohio beat Marshall 34 - 31

Marshall beat Gardner Webb 55 - 0

Gardner Webb beat Richmond 12 - 10

Richmond beat Liberty 30 - 21 while Kent only beat Liberty 17 - 10

Like Conquistadors of Old, on this day the Bulls will be after the three 'G's: gore, glory, and 'Gee, I never noticed that differently-colored patch of grass over at the end there. I think I'll run towards it."

They will be successful. As they always are. Randall Secky Era excluded.

Game 9: Ohio

Another walk in the park for the football contingent again this day. A literal walk in the park, in fact. No one expected Danny White to address the track issue in UB Stadium by encircling the field in a botanical garden, but no one can really be that upset because, hey, at least it isn't a Jeff Quinn extension. Sight lines for the fifteen or so fans are unaffected.

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while Wofford lost to Baylor 69 - 3

Wofford only lost to Gardner Webb 3 - 0 while Furman lost to Gardner Webb 28 - 21

Furman only lost to Coastal Car 35 - 28 while E Kentucky lost to Coastal Car 51 - 32

E Kentucky only lost to Louisville 44 - 7 while Ohio lost to Louisville 49 - 7

Postgame promotion: Conflict Resolution training with Khalil Mack and Fred Lee!

Week 10: Toledo

Confused by Coach Quinn's Four F's, many Bulls spend all week practicing Fishing instead of Football. Dillon Guy and Najja Johnson travel to Senegal to preach their Faith. Unfortunately for Toledo, the football gods are not done punishing the Rockets for losing Tim Beckman to Illinois and making the MAC look bad.

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while Wofford lost to Baylor 69 - 3

Wofford only lost to Gardner Webb 3 - 0 while Furman lost to Gardner Webb 28 - 21

Furman only lost to Coastal Car 35 - 28 while E Kentucky lost to Coastal Car 51 - 32

E Kentucky only lost to Louisville 44 - 7 while Ohio lost to Louisville 49 - 7

Ohio beat North Texas 27 - 21

North Texas beat Ball St 34 - 27

Ball St beat E Michigan 51 - 20 while Rutgers only beat E Michigan 28 - 10

Rutgers beat Arkansas 28 - 24

Arkansas beat ULL 34 - 14

ULL beat Akron 35 - 30 while Michigan only beat Akron 28 - 24

Michigan beat C Michigan 59 - 9 while Toledo only beat C Michigan 38 - 17

Sometimes, all you can do is shake your head and think about what the Fifth F could be.

Week 11: Miami

The Bortzan Army takes on Miami (OH, our collapse in the National Championship game just bought Jack Parker 3 more years of relevancy). Not much to say here. 9-2 Buffalo is an unstoppable force thanks to the transitive property:

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while ULM lost to Baylor 70 - 7

ULM beat Wake Forest 21 - 19

Wake Forest beat Army 25 - 11

Army only lost to Stanford 34 - 20 while San Jose St lost to Stanford 34 - 13

San Jose St beat CS Sacramento 24 - 0 while Southern Utah only beat CS Sacramento 24 - 21

Southern Utah beat South Alabama 22 - 21

South Alabama beat W Kentucky 31 - 24

W Kentucky beat Kentucky 35 - 26

Kentucky beat Miami OH 41 - 7

Sometime shortly after this game, Big Ben retires and Miami's claim to fame reverts to former President Benjamin Harrison. The Bortzan Army literally pushes Miami back over a century.

Week 12: Bowling Green

The Buffalo Bills take on the Columbus Crew in a matchup of... oh, wait, this is a MAC game! Featuring the unstoppable Disciples of Reggie! You just wouldn't know it, since it's been two plus years since these teams have actually played each other in one of their stadiums. Just for kicks, Javon McCrea suits up at TE and balls out. #MACtion

Buffalo only lost to Baylor 70 - 13 while Wofford lost to Baylor 69 - 3

Wofford only lost to Gardner Webb 3 - 0 while Furman lost to Gardner Webb 28 - 21

Furman only lost to Coastal Car 35 - 28 while E Kentucky lost to Coastal Car 51 - 32

E Kentucky only lost to Louisville 44 - 7 while Ohio lost to Louisville 49 - 7

Ohio beat North Texas 27 - 21

North Texas beat Idaho 40 - 6 while N Illinois only beat Idaho 45 - 35

N Illinois beat Iowa 30 - 27

Iowa beat W Michigan 59 - 3 while Northwestern only beat W Michigan 38 - 17

Northwestern beat Syracuse 48 - 27 while Penn St only beat Syracuse 23 - 17

Penn St beat Kent 34 - 0 while Bowling Green only beat Kent 41 - 22

Danny White throws Jeff Quinn a tickertape parade, offers lifetime contract.

Maybe this isn't going to be that great, after all.

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